My first pregnancy was a breeze. I was the sweet-little pregnant lady who birthed a healthy baby naturally with the help of my husband, mother and a great midwife. This pregnancy has been different.
There are many mothers who have gone through some horrendous pregnancies, followed by major heartache. That has not been my pregnancy, but the subtle issues I have gone through have seemed to challenge my faith.
I wish I could say that I have been that strong woman of faith who knew that no matter what happens God is in control and always works things for good. But I haven't been that mother.
This Sunday, a worship song was sung in Moldovan/Romanian. Even though I didn't understand the words, God's Spirit reached beyond the barrier to gently speak the same words he said to Peter, "Why do you doubt?"
"Immediately Jesus made them get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed the crowd, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from the land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
"Lord, if it is you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." "Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord save me!"
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down."
Matthew 14:25-32
I have realized that I have been just like Peter, who stepped out in faith to go after Jesus, yet looked and became concerned about the worries of the wind around him, despite that Jesus was
right there. Peter concerned himself with the wind and lost sight that Jesus was walking confidently through the storm.
I'm not sure what has shaken my confidence that God is in control of my pregnancy. Maybe it is the fact of being in a foreign country, far from my cultural medical practices. Maybe it is the exposure to so many negative experiences and stories that many local mothers have shared with me.
I've had struggles with asthma, monitoring a water cyst on the baby's brain, dealing with an infection and making judgement calls with taking medicine. But even before these happened, I seemed to struggle, wanting to know with certainty that my baby would be fine. I know that the majority of mothers struggle with this during pregnancy, but I seemed to let it overcome my mind.
There is nothing that guarantees that we have a no problem, hassle free life. Following Christ doesn't promise financial security, favor with people or an easy life. But a life of following Christ does promise peace during hardships, pain, loss, struggles, challenges and uncertainty. Sometimes I forget this.
As Jesus and Peter walked out on the stormy lake, the winds whipped around them. The uncertainty was all around them, beating off of them, probably pushing them around and tearing at their clothes. Yet, Jesus showed us, that when we believe in him, we are able to walk along with him, through the storms of life, no matter how violent they may be. We just need to believe and walk with him.
During this pregnancy God has given me this verse. I'm going to regrasp it and believe it.
"You (God) are good, and what you do is good." Psalm 119:68
